Thursday, December 09, 2010

Keep Calm and Carry On

Many thanks to sweet Janiece for sending me this poster. It was on the door in my hospital room, and now it's on the wall in my room, staring me in the face, daring me to have courage.

They told me it would happen, the depression stuff, that it would come and go. I thought, "Oh, they don't know me. I've got this great support system. Plus I have faith and strong religious beliefs." I smiled and said, "Ok. Thanks." And I forged forward.

Well, it hit. Today. I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm tired. I'm tired of all of the rigamarole of my new lifestyle. I'm tired of using the neti pot on my nose, of gargling salt water, of trying to stay hydrated, of getting blood drawn, of waiting for doctors and nurses and phlebotomists. I'm tired of very short, newly growing hair covering my pillow every morning and my hats and scarves. I'm tired of chemo-brain. I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of carrying on.

Part of it is because my mom left yesterday, and I'm here. Independent. Alone.

But so not alone. Sweet Krysta picked me up this morning and brought me home today, and filled me with news of dear people around me who are also struggling. Shireen met me at the hospital as I waited for blood labs and just sat with me and talked. She brought me a huge basket of Trader Joe goodness. Then when I could not make myself get up out of bed after my afternoon nap, Laura called and came over. She helped me make a list of things and she vacuumed my room. Julie, Elliot, and Bronco brought me some delish butternut squash soup and bread. Ken left a book at my door.

And as I tried to sort through my packet of my next round of chemo and all the side effects, my mountain of emails and all the thank-you cards I should be writing, the yoga I should be doing, the piles of papers I should be organizing, and the overdue articles and reports I should be writing, I decided to start with some scripture studying and seeking faith. Just a few I found:
  • The Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him. (Hel. 12:1)
  • Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)
  • Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. (Eth. 12:6)
  • The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:3-4)
I love that last one. I love the idea that the word perfect means complete, or whole, and that I can be made complete, whole, and entire, through my patience and faith.

One last good news: my bone marrow biopsy came back clear and we proceed as scheduled! I'll be honest--I wasn't in the frame of mind to ask more questions when the nurse called (and she's the less-than-helpful one), other than to make sure it was good news. It is. Keep calm and carry on.


Laurel said...

a.) i love your new blog design
b.) it's SO okay to be tired
c.) but you ARE jenny reeder and you have it all in you. you know you do.
d.) i love you
e.) still praying

Artsy Aut said...

Your blog looks great! So pretty. I wish I could come and bring you something to cheer you up a bit. I will try to send some "aloha" your way.

john said...
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Boyd Family said...

Holy Crapola!! Lots of long hospital days. On the positive side. You can sleep in your own bed without nurses coming in all through the night and waking you up for things that you wish could wait two or three more hours.
If you want someone to email about hair loss and wigs and hats etc... my sis would be an awesome reference. She has Alopecia Areta and lost her hair about two years ago. She realizes that it is a small trial because she isn't in any pain, but at the same time has had to deal with the fact that her hair will never grow back. Just a thought if you need someone who can relate a little.
YOU are spectacular Jenny Reeder!!

M said...

Jenny, you are a ROCKSTAR! If anyone can endure and grow in patience and faith, it is you. Keep on goin', girl! xoxoxo

PS Love the new blog design.

The Wyler Family said...

oh, jenny! i love you! i love that you turned to the scriptures in such an automatic way. you are truly amazing. you are so strong and have so much courage. i'm very proud of you!

Lesli said...

Oh, a new phase. I am glad about the good news regarding your bone marrow! Everything you have been through so far is paying off and you will continue to fight the good fight. What can we do from here that would be helpful? You are in our prayers --- always. Sending love your way!

Lucie Cannata said...

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."--Elizabeth Kubler Ross

You're light is shining very clearly, Jenny! Amid the tiredness, hats, hair fuzz, netipot, blood withdrawals, & doctor visits, we see just how amazingly beautiful you are.

Hope said...

Well said Lucie!!

I saw that poster on Wed and immediately thought of you. Looks like you inspire so many people in similar ways. You are amazing!
In all things there is opposition. Just remember, it's just as important to exhale.

Love you Jenny Reeder!!!

Julie said...

as a wise seminary teacher used to say to us every day The Church is True, Keep the Faith, God Loves us. WE love you, glad you liked the soup and thanks again for the teddy bear elliot loves it!

Julie said...

ps love the new blog layout

john said...
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