Many thanks to sweet Janiece for sending me this poster. It was on the door in my hospital room, and now it's on the wall in my room, staring me in the face, daring me to have courage.
They told me it would happen, the depression stuff, that it would come and go. I thought, "Oh, they don't know me. I've got this great support system. Plus I have faith and strong religious beliefs." I smiled and said, "Ok. Thanks." And I forged forward.
Well, it hit. Today. I didn't want to get out of bed. I'm tired. I'm tired of all of the rigamarole of my new lifestyle. I'm tired of using the neti pot on my nose, of gargling salt water, of trying to stay hydrated, of getting blood drawn, of waiting for doctors and nurses and phlebotomists. I'm tired of very short, newly growing hair covering my pillow every morning and my hats and scarves. I'm tired of chemo-brain. I'm tired of being tired. And I'm tired of carrying on.
Part of it is because my mom left yesterday, and I'm here. Independent. Alone.
But so not alone. Sweet Krysta picked me up this morning and brought me home today, and filled me with news of dear people around me who are also struggling. Shireen met me at the hospital as I waited for blood labs and just sat with me and talked. She brought me a huge basket of Trader Joe goodness. Then when I could not make myself get up out of bed after my afternoon nap, Laura called and came over. She helped me make a list of things and she vacuumed my room. Julie, Elliot, and Bronco brought me some delish butternut squash soup and bread. Ken left a book at my door.
And as I tried to sort through my packet of my next round of chemo and all the side effects, my mountain of emails and all the thank-you cards I should be writing, the yoga I should be doing, the piles of papers I should be organizing, and the overdue articles and reports I should be writing, I decided to start with some scripture studying and seeking faith. Just a few I found:
- The Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him. (Hel. 12:1)
- Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Prov. 3:5-6)
- Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. (Eth. 12:6)
- The trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:3-4)
One last good news: my bone marrow biopsy came back clear and we proceed as scheduled! I'll be honest--I wasn't in the frame of mind to ask more questions when the nurse called (and she's the less-than-helpful one), other than to make sure it was good news. It is. Keep calm and carry on.